Jesus for President?

The Triumphal Entry was a bust. Jesus was riding high in the polls. A few days later, his numbers were in the tank. Where were his political advisors? I’m no expert on running for office, but if I were his chief strategist, I’d offer him this advice:

1-GET A BETTER SLOGAN. ‘Repent, the Kingdom is Coming’ is catchy, but not cool.  ‘Pick up Your Cross and Follow Me’…a bit of a downer…and too many words for a baseball cap. How about ‘Make Israel Great Again!’

2-AMP UP THE BRASHNESS. Throw a few punches. Fling out a few insults. Meek and humble of heart doesn’t win elections. Tossing the money changers out of the temple was a good move… Do it again.

3-LOOK MORE KINGLY. ‘You rode into town on a donkey?’ Really?!  Where’s the platinum-plated chariot? You wore a simple servant’s tunic? Really?! Where’s the Trump tie? You need to look like a King if you want to be a King.

4-BULLY THE BULLIES. Herod, Pilate, Caesar…we’re totally surrounded by bad guys! You need to show us that you can stand up to them. Quit telling people to love their enemies, turn the other cheek and go the 2nd mile.

5-WIN OVER THE RIGHT. God-fearing people are your most likely base of support. Convince them that you’re one of them. (Calling them  ‘hypocrites, blind guides, whitewashed tombs and a brood of vipers’ isn’t helpful.)

6-COZY UP TO A FEW HIGH CAPACITY DONORS. (But do it discreetly) Elections are won with big cash and major endorsements. Probably not a good idea to tell the rich young ruler to ‘give it all away’ before he could follow you.

7-BE THE CHAMPION OF FAMILY VALUES. That’s your space! We all know that you believe in the family, but you create unnecessary misunderstandings when you say things like ‘If anyone loves father or mother more than me, he’s not worthy of me’.

8-PROMISE PROSPERITY AND FREE HEALTH CARE FOR ALL. There’s nothing good about poverty. You should say ‘Blessed are the rich!’ It’s great that you healed a few of the blind and lame. Why not promise healing for all? Better yet…eradicate disease forever.

9-BUILD A WALL AND MAKE ROME PAY FOR IT. Make it hu-u-uge! The Syrians, Samaritans and Romans are taking over our country! Don’t say that our temple is supposed to be ‘a house of prayer for all nations.’ It’s our temple! Don’t say that people from the East and West are going to sit at Abraham’s table. It’s our table! Quit making Samaritans and tax collectors the heroes of your stories.

10-HANG ON TO YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE! There are lots of questions about where you were born. You say ‘Bethlehem.’ Lots of people say that you’re from Nazareth. Why so many questions…better have proof or ‘the Birthers’ will get you.

GOOD THING JESUS WASN’T RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!